This is what happens when I try to blog:
If you need clarification, nothing happens. I stare at the screen and try to recall all of the hilarious and original thoughts (…) I had during the day. After about five minutes of staring at the screen, pondering a good title for blank text, and choosing the best song to listen to while writing nothing, I either give up or save what little I have written as a draft to be finished later. Later will happen sometime, I’m sure. I have a really good draft written on the eve of my 24th birthday. I guess that will never be relevant again..
(It’s happening right now but you wouldn’t know if I didn’t point it out. That’s one of my favorite things about writing. A paragraph can take seconds or days, but who knows the difference besides the writer?)
School has become a game of survival. Though, I’m not having any fun, so I guess it’s not a game. I only have class two days a week, but it is the days that I am not in class that I dread. Every page of a book that I get through is an accomplishment to me. Any amount of writing is the most daunting task. I think of papers I have to write in December and start to panic. What is this? It’s an odd mixture of laziness and over achievement. I realize that doesn’t many any sense. Just come spend a day with me to understand this lovely paradox. But really, don’t spend a day with me unless you want to take on some of my reading. The Bible is a nice read. Have you heard of it? You might like it.
Also, about school, can I just fast track through the next 7 months? I realized tonight that between work and school, I have one night of freedom. It was tonight, by the way. You want to know what I did? (Besides realizing I am a prisoner to the MAN.. or myself. I’ll get back to you.) I read The Phantom of the Opera in its entirety.. for school. All week I feel sad about the fun things my friends are doing- not because they are doing them but because I have to turn down the invitation. Today I secretly waited for something fun to arise so I could say, “YES!! I’ll be there! Can’t wait!” I probably wouldn’t have said it quite like that externally.. but you know. Anyway, I read a book all night instead and felt like a little weird girl for waiting to be asked to do something.
So, maybe the reason I don’t blog is because I am trying to prevent myself from making embarrassing confessions. See above for an example. And past entries..
I don’t really love the term “undergraduate.” Because of the state of mind I am in right now, I am choosing not to expand on this thought. However, think about it for a bit and you’ll probably catch my drift.
I can’t listen to sad music tonight. Except “Temazcal”.. that will do.
I have to end this before the madness starts.
lQ
