Hi.
It’s been a while. I’ve been scared of this screen. I had to confront the fact that I am no more or less than my angst. Let’s be honest- is there a such thing as nice angst? No, there isn’t. And I know I’m angsty. (Kind of a word.) I always have been. But I guess I’m not comfortable with the label. Rather, I guess I’m not comfortable with anyone else calling out my angst. Can’t I just do it? Please. It’s so much easier to mock ourselves. Let me have it. Phew. After a rowdy internal argument over this very little fact, I then had to consider the possibility of people I didn’t invite to read my angst (just kidding. I’ll drop it.) being able to read it. What is the big deal? Right? I mean, I have a public blog on the internet. Any number of weirdos (and intellectuals.. ha.) could be reading without my knowledge. But OI VEY! The possibility of my friends reading what I have to say about very little? Oh god, no. That just won’t do. I will be honest- I made a new blog last week. I just couldn’t fathom the idea that I might have to be responsible for my words. Also honest, I never posted in it. I just don’t think I’m read to give up two years worth of beautiful, thoughtful, frustrating, and truthful angst. So, I guess what I’m saying is that I’m going to try this whole blogging to the unknown thing. I suspect that most of this is in my head, as most of everything is, and that is how I like it.
I have kept many blogs over the past 10 years. Yikes. That is a little too true! My favorite place to blog was livejournal because, before you posted, you could include your current music. This was such a thrill to me because I had this idea in high school that I needed to be a music snob and love music that my friends hadn’t heard yet. (Of course, this didn’t stop me from secretly listening to “Konstantine” on repeat for a year.) I don’t think I was alone in my desire for snobbery. As far as I know, unless I was the only poser, we were all doing it. Any time I saw a song that my friends were currently listening to that I hadn’t heard of, I went into a panic about how to illegally obtain not only that song, but the entire album it came from so a week later I could post that I was listening to the same band, but a different song. I had to be coy about my new fandom. “Oh, I’ve just loooooved this band for so long. I never knew you liked them!” Ha. I’m being a little unfair. I, and my friends, listened to awesome music in high school. The funniest part was how possessive we got when someone else started to truly like our favorite band. My best friend was really bummed when I started listening to Ben Harper, someone she had liked for at least a year before I would give him a chance. I went on a rampage when a girl a year younger than me started quoting Ani Difranco in her AIM profile. “How dare she? She doesn’t even know anything besides 32 flavors.” I knew I had truly grown up when I was not upset but excited that my friends liked Bright Eyes. Aaah, funny truths.
That was unintentional. I’m going to walk a new road with this space, hopefully. I have to get past words that mask words that mask words and just say what I mean/want.
In addition to confronting my angst and my secret angsty space going public, I have also been attempting to get to the source of some of my other entirely odd and unwarranted issues. For example, I am trying really hard to figure out why it bothers me so much that my little sister doesn’t want to move out and go to college. The worst part about this is that I KNOW that it is not my place to be bothered. I know that I have no say in what she does with her life, but I constantly worry that she won’t do anything with it. I think it is a statement to how much I love and care about her, but to her, and everyone I’ve tried to discuss this with, I am just pushing my own agenda on her. Maybe I am. I’d like to think I am just trying to make room for the discussion of her future, as I sometimes worry no one else in her life is. She always gets angry with me though, and tells me that she doesn’t want to be me. It’s funny the way people let you know they aren’t listening to a word you say. Why would I ever want her to be me? Must I remind her how well I handled my first attempt at college? Work? Boyfriends? Actual friends? I get an F in life from 18-21. Overall, I just want her to want things. They don’t have to be the things I want for her. I just make suggestions in the hope that she will find in them something desirable.
Heavy. This is hard. I have two other things I planned to talk about, but I don’t think I can yet. At what point am I disclosing too much? This is truly something I struggle with every day. I constantly end sentences before they’ve started because I am nervous that the person I am talking to will find my feelings either insane or typical. Both options are unattractive to me, so I just keep things to myself. Or, I come here and talk in circles until I feel like I’ve exposed my feelings without anyone knowing what I’ve actually said. I want to get out of that comfort zone because, honestly, it’s not that comfortable. This is just a teaser.
lq
