Last week I planned to write my favorite post of the whole year: what I did this year to make it significant. Then I got into a physical fight with my 20 year old sister (who has always been more important to me than I like to admit) and was threatened by her 34 year old gun toting “boyfriend” (quotations because the relationship is not real). All of a sudden, everything I claimed as important seemed small. Instead of thinking about all of the things I did in 2011 that, in fact, WERE amazing, I spent the week wondering how anyone in this entire world could possibly drive me to physical violence. Aren’t we supposed to stop hitting our siblings when we’re much younger? Don’t I, in particular, hate the idea of hitting anyone? Doesn’t the thought of being physically threatened send me into a fit of anxiety?
Yes, yes, and yes. Do I love Caitlin? Yes, I think so. I know that I always have, and I hope that I always will. But, do I respect her? No. I don’t respect anyone who chooses an unhealthy relationship over a person that shares their blood, their secrets, and their tears. I do not deserve to fear someone that claims to have my sister’s best interests at heart. Do you? Do you care that she spends her entire day in bed? Do you care that she drove every single true friend out of her life for you? Do you care that she has no ambition? Do you care that she is slowly losing her grasp on reality? Because I do. Maybe that translates as me trying to push my life on Caitlin, but that is not my intention. I don’t care what she does as long as she is happy. When I ask her about her goals, it is because I think she has them, not because I am trying to force her to create them. I have ALWAYS had her best interests at heart. I would never bring danger into her life, the way you have brought it into all of ours. I know what it means to love someone. Do you?
I finally feel better. I didn’t think that I would. I didn’t think I could forgive myself for hurting someone, and I didn’t think I could forgive someone else for hurting me. It turns out only the latter is true, and it extends far beyond any physical act. As always, words cut the deepest wounds.
With that out of the way, I would like to do what I originally planned and sum up 2011. I don’t know that it’s necessary as much as it is just important to me. I’m going with a list rather than an essay. You can thank me later.
- I moved out of my dream home and into a studio apartment. It was the first time I ever lived completely alone. My first semester was miserable. I was consumed by loneliness. I regretted the move every day. All of my friends were still living the fun lives I left, and I was stuck in the academic grind. However, this semester, I experienced the opposite. I was still alone, but not lonely. I learned to love my apartment for the peace it offered. I remembered, finally, that I thrive when I’m alone. (Is this good? Probably not.) So, the move was a success.
- Because I chose to move to the city that housed my university, I was able to fully commit to school. I finished the spring semester with a 3.8 GPA and the fall semester with a 4.0 GPA. To the girl who flunked out of school and let herself down, this was a HUGE deal.
- I slept in six beautiful American cities: Austin, San Diego (this sleep was a big red mistake), Indio, Flagstaff, Kansas City, and Tulsa. I also learned to love my OWN beautiful cities above all of these: Norman and Oklahoma City.
- I left the country for the first time. I navigated a Spanish speaking airport by myself. I saw the most gorgeous sunset of my life in Colonia, Uruguay. I found myself broke in beautiful Buenos Aires. I ate empanadas every day. I rode in a subway, a bus, and a terrifying taxi. I danced to drum circles. I prepared a park picnic. I had a 100 peso bill returned to me at least 5 times for being ripped, but continued to try to use it anyway. I drank the best mojito of my life in a Venezuelan bar playing French music. I purchased a piece of art. I bought hand crafted gifts for people that I love. I got to witness my vegetarian boyfriend devour a steak. I drank expensive wine for cheap. I had the most eye opening and amazing time.
- While losing touch with my youngest sister, I grew closer to my other siblings. My older brother traded in prison for a home, and I have watched him become a productive member of society again. I am so happy to have him in my life again, and so proud of all that he has accomplished in the past six months.
- Abbey, who has been my best friend for 12 years, became part of my life again. If I am most thankful for anything in 2011, it is this.
- I broke a car 1000 different ways but learned to love driving it.
- I made friends at school who had the same interests at me. I remembered that I am an interesting person and I do have things to offer to others.
- I learned, or maybe just accepted, that love is volatile. Either fight for it, or let it go.
- Finally, I felt the truest to myself that I ever have. I did the things I wanted to do, and refused to be pressured into being someone else for the sake of a good time. I studied, cooked, wrote, read, danced, laughed, and spoke my lovely mind.
What do I plan for 2012? Nothing. I’m just going to let it be. My biggest commitment is to me this year. Can you dig it?
